a plus-side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and i will not judge you because i will also be in my pajamas
no homo. we’re fresh out. we should get a new shipment in on monday
can you check in the back
Ya I guess I could check in the closet hold on a sec
you know how when you go to a concert or show of some sort and the person on stage is like “HOW’S EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?!?!?!?!” and the audience cheers back? why? you’re not answering the question, you’re just yelling. imagine if we did that in daily conversation. “hey jeff, how are ya?” and jeff just starts screaming and clapping in your face
My talents include being able to identify every one of the 5000 songs on my iPod by the first chord and eating more than the rest of my family combined
You know you’re a lesbian when: You put your finger in it instead.
OH GOD, I ONLY EVER PUT MY FINGERS IN THEM.
I did both…
i did both. i also bent it, what does that tell me now
You kinky son of a bitch.
I TOLD MY DAD TO CHILL
AND HE SAID “I AM CHILL”
AND I SAID “I THOUGHT U WERE DAD”
I DAD JOKED MY DAD
I AM THE REVOLUTION
hello revolution im dad
if you locked your boyfriend and your dog in a trunk for a week and then opened it the boyfriend would probably be pissed but the dog would be happy to see you also known as reasons why dogs are better than boyfriends
legalize dog marriage
people wHO SmiLE AT YO U WHEN U MAKE EYE CONTACT WI HT THEM ARE MY FAVORITE KIND OF PEOPLE